Tears & Living In Fears

When will it end? Will i just stop crying before bed? Tears come like a flood that as if never goin to dry up. Will i ever know why I fall asleep crying at night. Just the feeling of being alone makes me shudder. A constant war goin on in my body, everyday, every second. When will it end. Feelings take over my body like i have no control. First Im happy, then Im sad, then all of a sudden Im crying. It's pretty sad that the parents you live with, talk about you behind your back. For me it feels like when you lie down on those rafts in the waterand you drift away. But for me, i don't come back. I just keep drifting into space. I don't mean to sound desperate, but will someone please tell me when my tears will dry. When will it end? Everyday living in fear and pressure about something that can actually be predicted before it happened. Someone told me "seek for god's help" but personally i don't think it will help. Problem creates by human, so human have to face and solve the problem. In order to escape D.I.E is the only so called coward solution. I don't mind to be coward if the "road is full of bumpy".

G.R.I.E.F

How I envy those poets and authors. They can toss words into the air and have them fall in perfect order. Why is it so easy to pour out my grief in a poem? And so difficult to capture joy in print. Joy exists in a fleeting moment whereas grief lasts forever. Takes one to feel grief , two to feel joy. My joy has already been shared and thus multiplied. My grief till now has been private, alone in the dark my grief mushrooms. I need to find a friend to halve the burden. Will you be that friend?

We all grieve differently, some grieve quietly. Solemn in their grief not wanting. To show their pain while some are loud letting the pain out for all to see and then beginning the long battle of healing. Some hold their grief in for so long that eventually it eats at them causing them to misdirect it. In different ways unknowingly pointing, the pain of loss toward others not wanting of it or deserving when instead they should be letting go and moving on. Grief is not a friend for it makes one angry, sad, exhausted, and confused. Grief is an unwanted guest for it stays for a long, long, time. Seemingly never wanting to leave, once in a while it will allow some peace but for only a brief time span, It would rather curl it’s black tentacles around and keep you in it’s grip forever and then one day you realize you are starting to feel a little better. As the seasons change so do we in time, we shall heal and start to get back into routine and realize grief is finally packing up to end it’s long overstayed visit for it was a long process this visit from grief. Each day gets a little better keep on moving, stay busy. One day, Grief is finally gone until the next time it is required to visit again.

"Grief is a feeling like you’ll never let go. It sounds like the sobbing of a broken heart. It tastes like a desert, dry and flavorless. It smells like freshly turned dirt on a grave. Grief feels like you just can’t go on."

Having the love of your life, break up with you and say "we can still be friends" is like your dog dying and your mom saying you can still keep it."

A Girl Been Neglected

In the dark corner sits a girl, she hardly speak up her mind to anyone. A lost and lonely girl who sheds a single tear thinking she has not purpose in life. Mom and dad don't really care, she doesn't have value in life. Never anyone there to help her with her strife and tripping over problems. Or simply just don't understand my situation and thinking. All they care is what they want me to do. But never ask me whether i can or not, am willing to do it or not, am i able to do it or not. She desperately wish that there was someone to help her on her way and bring her far far away from this place. A single friend in life that really truly cares but no one is found. At her fragile heart it tears a sad and lonely life she lives. So she sits in the corner and cries. Hurt her arms a little and wishes she would die so the misery will no more. So listen to me I'm trying to make you see for that girl in the corner that lonely girl is me!!!!

Sometimes i wish i was a little girl again because bruised knees heal faster than a broken and disappointed heart especially to a lost girl. My sister told me this before, "Sometimes we have to do tasks that we may not be interested but along the way we may develop interest or even find something else of interest. If we don't go out and try, put in effort how can we know what we want?" Honestly, i want to reply her "I want to try, I want to put in effort but please don't pour cold water on me when i'm trying"! As a parent they should encourage not pouring cold water on me when i'm on my way to change. I know it's a shame that you had this kind of daughter, i remembered clearly how you compare me to others daughters. BUT do you think i want to be your daughter? Naturally i blamed you for bringing what i am today, but i shoudn't think it this way. After all it's my own fault! I want you to know nobody is born flawless. I feel pressure to face you. I envy those who are able to talk, jokes and doing things together with their family. I'm the one who always been left out during dinner. Sitting there like a fool, everyone is busy talking about their stuff. A family dinner is all about business? I hate what i have now. Not a single things went smoothly.

I've made a mistake in my life. I've let people taking advantage of me and i accepted way to less than i deserve. I just want you to know, "I'm done pretending! I want to tell you "No, i'm not okay with the fact that you broke my heart and disappointed me way too much"! I know what's in your mind, I know you know that you know me so well that you think what you did can be forgiven. I know you think i can easily forgive and forget. But i just want you to know for the very last time, i will prove to you that "NO, You don't know me well at all"! Let me prove to you, how heartless can a girl goes if one day she really get fed up. I dare you to challenge me this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gastralgia

Just woke up 1 hour ago without delay i rush to the washroom. Ok, let's start with today's words of thought.

"Today I found myself lost in this world with nobody near me. I felt like shit. I wanted to hide but made jokes about myself and how I’m a lonely girl lost in this world with no where to go and no one to hug and depend on. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t imagine people near me laughing and teasing me."

Sometimes & Someday

Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow,
Sometimes we must fail in order to know,
That our vision clear only after our eyes are wasted away with tears!!

Someday you'll cry for me, Like i cried for you!
Someday you'll miss me, Like i missed you!
Someday you'll need me, Like i needed you!
Someday you'll love me, BUT i wont love you!

Excruciating; Sigh..

Bed times..

Signing off..